Cancer, You Really Suck.
Today, like most days, cancer sucks. It really does. But today it just sucks a little more. Why is this day any different than yesterday? It's not. Today, I just don't have my wall in place - I missed a spot. When I took this journey with this project back on day one - I knew I would form some life long friendships, that getting to know these kids and their parents was going to form a bond. Sometimes, I take this journey alone, other times I bring my 11 year old daughter along. When you meet a family with a child with cancer for the first time, you never know what to expect. I have always been pleasantly surprised. I have always found the kids to be engaging, and loving. Magnetic and dynamic smiles to say the least. The parents to be surprisingly candid, welcoming, and vocal.
Meeting the brothers and sisters of a child fighting for their lives is just as great of an honor. They shine just as brightly. They are often unseen, or unspoken because they have a lot going on in their small hearts and heads. They often escape attention, they suffer in silence. Today, my daughter and I got to spend time with a family filming for our pilot. When we got back in to the car she said to me, "Mom, the brother was so nice and shy. He really loves his older brother. His brother seems like he is just a great brother - like he is great at being an older brother. I felt bad asking him questions - because I could tell it made him sad. What will happen to the little brother if the older one does not make it? Will he make it?"
That's when I get those big blue eyes looking at me, brimming with tears because she knows I cannot give her the solid positive answer she is looking for. The truth is I don't know - but can only hope and pray. This has happened on more than one occasion and while she always knows the answer will be the same she still asks it, every time.
I hate cancer. It has sucked the innocence out of my child. It has brought grief in to her young life and now every friend she makes through this project, she asks herself if he/she will make it. I have been amazed at her desire and willingness to interact and be a large part of this project and advocacy in general for pediatric cancer. It touches my heart. It makes me smile until...
I read Blue4Ben's blog entry tonight. There is such painful honestly in Mindy's writing. I feel her pain as I read it and I can only imagine for a mom or dad that has lost a child that reading tonight's entry brings back a vivid reminder. And while I cannot truly understand her pain and what she is going through, I grieve, I agonize, and I cry with her. For a kid and his family that I do not know personally, but have become engaged in their story over the course of the last few months. Another warrior losing the battle. While her blogs are very hard to read, the reality of cancer is never glossed over. Tonight, all I can think through the tears that are streaming down my face, is spare him. Spare him pain. Have mercy. It's times like these that my heart breaks and hurts so much for these families and kids, that I wonder how can anyone go through this and come out ok at all? For Mindy, Andy, Megan, and his twin brother, Jack this really is why cancer sucks.
It is so hard to see a positive when reading these stories.
Back to my day - before things really took a turn with Ben, and as we left the house we were at today, a neighbor/friend from across the street came over with dinner. I am always overwhelmed to see community come together for a family like this one. A part of me just wanted to stay and bask in the togetherness and love this family obviously has - but I knew I was stranger/guest and my time had come and gone. And as I drove away - my child on the verge of tears saw a rainbow in the distance and her smile returned. Hope. When there is hope there is always a chance. A chance to beat cancer. A chance for a kid to kick cancer in the teeth and say not me, not today. There is also the hope that one day we won't have to hope for a chance because there will be a cure. Suck on that cancer. That day will come.
